God's Sense Of Humor
It's pretty obvious to everyone that I'm not a believer. I never caught the Jesus fever, and a pet peeve of mine has always been the overzealous invocation of the Lord's name at inappropriate times. Star athletes give it up for God after stellar performances. Politicians and victim advocacy groups consistently overuse such annoying phrases as, "We all will be judged one day by God," and "We just have to leave everything up to God because He knows best." Blah blah blah.
One particularly aggravating situation has made the news this past week, and it stems from a San Antonio backyard (here's a particuarly corny account: http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=4464987). A big tree in some lady's yard developed a "leak" a few months ago. A tiny trickle of water has been dripping from the trunk of the tree about 3 feet above the ground. The story first aired about 2 weeks ago in the Houston area. Local authorities were unable to determine the source of the water. Since the woman's water bill was not increasing, it was thought that a water pipe leak was unlikely. Some believed an artesian spring was feeding the trickling water. While these explanations may not be correct, I can at least respect them because they are rational. However, the explanation that is getting all the media attention was put forth by the little old lady who owns the tree. She has somehow concluded that this leak must represent "God's water." Shit, lady! Are you serious? Just because your water main is intact doesn't mean that all worldly explanations have been exhausted!
Little old grandma has been telling any reporter who will listen that "God's water" is leaking out of her tree. It's "special water," says her son (who has been collecting it and drinking it for the past 3 months). I even saw a news clip on Houston local news (I shit you not) that alleged the water had cured "arthritis, various skin rashes, and a spider bite." At this point, I'm getting kinda pissed off. How retarded can some people actually be? Why is this getting media attention? Why is this getting DAILY UPDATES on Houston news stations? I've seen no less than 3 stories updating the progress of "God's water," and I don't even watch the news regularly -- I keep it on until the first commercial break, which means that the God tree has been given top priority in the opening segment on at least 3 occassions.
Well, tonight was no exception. There was a God tree update as one of the lead stories on the Houston news. However, this update came with a twist -- a fucking awesome twist! Since the story broke last week, hundreds of people from around the country have made "pilgrimmages" to San Antonio to bottle up some of "God's water" to take home to drink, heal people, etc. Fortunately, while these whack jobs were going nuts over the discovery of God's spring, the San Antonio authorities were actually continuing with their search for the source of the water. After a whole week of uncertainty, the source was identified. Who thinks it was God? You're wrong, dumb asses. The tree's roots had invaded an underground water pipe (big surprise!). But here's the kicker: the health department ran tests on the water and determined that it is loaded with bacteria and is entirely unsafe for human consumption! Not only is this water not a panacea from God, but it is actually going to make people sick! I couldn't stop laughing when I heard the news. All I could think about were the hundreds of people who bottled up this shit and carted it away like it was liquid gold. The old lady's son has been drinking shit water for 3 months, the old lady's neighbor has been feeding shit water to her toddler, and the local Houston news has given repeated coverage to shit-laced water trickling out of a fucking tree. Priceless!
When interviewed on tonight's broadcast, the old lady's son stubbornly refused to stop drinking the water. His words (and I quote): "I been drinkin' 'dis for 3 months, and I'm still around. I ain't kicked the bucket. I'm gonna keep drinkin' it." Dude, it's too late to save face. You've been exposed as one of this country's biggest morons. The damage has been done. Welcome to the idiocracy! Time to move to Crawford to join the other huge Texan idiot... God bless you people and thanks for making my Friday awesome.
One particularly aggravating situation has made the news this past week, and it stems from a San Antonio backyard (here's a particuarly corny account: http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=4464987). A big tree in some lady's yard developed a "leak" a few months ago. A tiny trickle of water has been dripping from the trunk of the tree about 3 feet above the ground. The story first aired about 2 weeks ago in the Houston area. Local authorities were unable to determine the source of the water. Since the woman's water bill was not increasing, it was thought that a water pipe leak was unlikely. Some believed an artesian spring was feeding the trickling water. While these explanations may not be correct, I can at least respect them because they are rational. However, the explanation that is getting all the media attention was put forth by the little old lady who owns the tree. She has somehow concluded that this leak must represent "God's water." Shit, lady! Are you serious? Just because your water main is intact doesn't mean that all worldly explanations have been exhausted!
Little old grandma has been telling any reporter who will listen that "God's water" is leaking out of her tree. It's "special water," says her son (who has been collecting it and drinking it for the past 3 months). I even saw a news clip on Houston local news (I shit you not) that alleged the water had cured "arthritis, various skin rashes, and a spider bite." At this point, I'm getting kinda pissed off. How retarded can some people actually be? Why is this getting media attention? Why is this getting DAILY UPDATES on Houston news stations? I've seen no less than 3 stories updating the progress of "God's water," and I don't even watch the news regularly -- I keep it on until the first commercial break, which means that the God tree has been given top priority in the opening segment on at least 3 occassions.
Well, tonight was no exception. There was a God tree update as one of the lead stories on the Houston news. However, this update came with a twist -- a fucking awesome twist! Since the story broke last week, hundreds of people from around the country have made "pilgrimmages" to San Antonio to bottle up some of "God's water" to take home to drink, heal people, etc. Fortunately, while these whack jobs were going nuts over the discovery of God's spring, the San Antonio authorities were actually continuing with their search for the source of the water. After a whole week of uncertainty, the source was identified. Who thinks it was God? You're wrong, dumb asses. The tree's roots had invaded an underground water pipe (big surprise!). But here's the kicker: the health department ran tests on the water and determined that it is loaded with bacteria and is entirely unsafe for human consumption! Not only is this water not a panacea from God, but it is actually going to make people sick! I couldn't stop laughing when I heard the news. All I could think about were the hundreds of people who bottled up this shit and carted it away like it was liquid gold. The old lady's son has been drinking shit water for 3 months, the old lady's neighbor has been feeding shit water to her toddler, and the local Houston news has given repeated coverage to shit-laced water trickling out of a fucking tree. Priceless!
When interviewed on tonight's broadcast, the old lady's son stubbornly refused to stop drinking the water. His words (and I quote): "I been drinkin' 'dis for 3 months, and I'm still around. I ain't kicked the bucket. I'm gonna keep drinkin' it." Dude, it's too late to save face. You've been exposed as one of this country's biggest morons. The damage has been done. Welcome to the idiocracy! Time to move to Crawford to join the other huge Texan idiot... God bless you people and thanks for making my Friday awesome.
posted by Yours Truly at 10:26 PM
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